Grandma

I think you must be an angel
An angel in disguise
You are so gentle
So loving
So kind

I think God must have spent
a few extra minutes
creating you
I'm sure He did
I'm sure it's true

I hope when i grow up
I'll be just like you
So caring and warm
In everything you do

You must be an angel
Of that I'm sure
You are so beautiful
So kind
So pure

--Angie B

5-14-09

your day

dearest mom,
today is your day
without you here
it's not the same
i tried to be strong
i tried to be brave
i tried so hard
not to cave

i thought of all
the mothers days past
i never imagined
it wouldnt last
did i tell you you're wonderful
did i tell you you are great
i can only wonder...
i can't recreate.

dearest mom
today is your day
i'll put your favorite flowers
by your grave
do you see us below
can you hear us too?
i miss you on this day so
do you miss me too?

i wish there was more
i could do
to make this day special
for you
is there someone there for you
to do all the things
i cannot do
i wonder
is it mothers day
in heaven too?

dearest mom
today is your day
i wish together you and i
could spend the day
i miss you more
than words could ever relay
so when my words fail
my tears
i shed for you
i hope you don't mind much
that's all i can do
they are my words
my love
for you

dearest mom
today is your day
i love you
i miss you
thats all i can say
i hope wherever you are
that you had a good day

you are so wonderful
you are so great


--Angie Blackschleger
may 09

hope.dream.wait.

i wonder what you saw in me
glimpses of perfection
i think
the things you loved the most
i couldnt think to be

i wonder how you could know me
when i don't even know myself
i am still exploring
i didn't know it then
but i realise it now

i wonder how i loved you
the things i loved the most
about you
(glimpses of perfection)
is what you hated the most about yourself
i held on to those
for dear life
but they were already long dead
and gone
by the time i realised
the lie of us

muddy random

now you're gone...

why does the sun
have to be out today?
i wish it were cloudy
i wish it would rain
like how it feels
in my heart
now she's gone away

why did that rose
have to bloom today?
i wish it would stay closed
for one more day
so i wouldn't be reminded
that it's her favorite
and i can't pick it for her

why do the brids
have to sing today
wish they would be silent
and fly away
when i hear them sing
i think of her
(& i wonder if she hears them too)


please, sky, rain
flowers, stay closed
birds, fly away
at least for now
at least just for today
when i see and hear them so
i only miss her more.
couldn't it be dismal
silent
bleak and grey
like how i feel
now she's gone away

--Angie Blackschleger

may 5, 09

but you

i miss you
silently
it's killing me
quietly

i need you
pathetically
it's paining me
constantly

i love you
hopelessly
it's dying in me
endlessly


--AB

4-23-09

all

forgive me
if you can hear me
please forgive me

in the quiet of the night
in the calm of the morning
i'm sorry
i wish i could turn back time.

i love you
i know you knew
how i loved you

in the little things
what each day would bring
i know you knew
But i wish it was for me inside.

i'm sorry
my one, my only
i'm so sorry

in the time that's rolling
in my life that keeps going
i wish i could show you now
to have you see me
to have you know
my heart.

But now i can only cry
it's so undeserving.
and so I am sorry -
A thousand times.

--Angie Blackschleger

2-27-09

hide

i'm sorry
i am
though i yell
though i'm mad
i can't get through
thats all i can do
is yell at you

i'm sorry
i really am
i don't hate you
i'm just so sad
i dont know how to deal
i cannot heal
all i want is the truth

i'm sorry
i am
the mean things i say
its not how i am
i tell you to go
i force myself to stay
maybe this is the only way

i'm sorry
so sorry
i hope you understand
i just love you
so much
and it doesnt make sense to me
why you 'just cant'


3-19-09

it's not so much a poem...

i tried
so hard
to keep you
i tried
so hard
to make you
love me
hear me
see me
but all i saw
you do
was simply
walk alway.
i thought
we could dance
to no music
i thought
we could match
but we
are different
species.
maybe i
was wrong
maybe you
were too young
maybe
maybe
maybe...
what does it matter
in the long run?
all the things
i built up
all came crashing down.
birds are made
to fly
fish can only
swim
i cannot make you be
what i need
this time
i cannot win.
perhaps
i shouldnt be sorry
perhaps
there is no blame
to place
i shouldnt make
it worse
there's nothing left
to say.
i guess it still
is something
if nothing else
than to learn
and through it all
i've realised -
not maybe...
love isn't supposed
to hurt.

maybe you'll understand...

please
just stay away
stay where you are
far gone
from me.
its not what i planned
its out of my hands
to see you again
i don't think i can

i feel so torn
i'm feeling scared
i feel so anxious
so unprepared
and yet i don't know
how i feel at all
all i know is
i don't want to fall
in love with you
all over again

please
stay where you are
a long
lost memory
i like it where
it isnt there
to confront me
face to face.
so please
just stay away
for my sake
so my heart
won't break
all over again

it's taking so long
for it to mend
please don't come back
and make it start again
please
just stay away
stay where you are
stay so far
away from me

i'm not so brave
i think i'll just cave
i don't feel safe
with seeing you again

--Angie Blackschleger
march 09

thinking of you...

two yellow butterflies
fluttering by
the morning after
as i cried
thinking of you.
the song in my mind
if you can hear me
show me a sign
please send me a butterfly
or two.

was it true?
was it you?
I almost knew...

two yellow butterflies
right by my side
as i cried
thinking of you
was that my sign
you're still close by
did you hear my cry
did you float on by
in the form of
those two yellow butterflies?

right beside me
as they flew
i thought of you
how it could be true
i almost knew...

--Angie Blackschleger

3-4-09

Jesse...

Jesse -
almost timid
almost small
but you know more
you are strong.
In my life
you've come along
unsuspecting
there you are
like the glowing
morning star.

Jesse -
how do you figure
how do you know
my deepest feelings
i can show.
You're not like
the others
young -
but still i find
you very clever.

stay sweet
stay true
stay who you are.
stay my friend-
don't go too far.
I do love you.

Jesse -
tell me your heart
maybe i'll understand
or if even just
a listening ear
i will lend
i'll be your friend.

Jesse -
almost timid
almost small
but i know better
and so you are
like an angel
like my best friend
you bring me peace
you are my calm.

--Angie Blackschleger

2-25-09

not.my.home.

not the pretty pictures
not her favorite clothes
not all her precious plants
don't get rid of those

leave those hanging in the closet
leave her shoes by the door
leave the china in the cupboards
don't uproot my home

don't make me choose my favorites
don't make me pack anymore
don't give the rest to charity
please don't make me go

leave our pictures on the wall
please lets keep it all
don't want to let it go
this is my last home

BE

be something other
than these constant tears
be the sky
the birds
the ocean
be the fresh clean air
be anything but
the tears that i cry
show me you're near
give me a sign

be something other
than my broken heart
be the sun
the stars
the moon
be the night so dark
be anything other
than me falling apart
i want to know
you're not so far

be something other
than this pain
in me
only a reminder
you've gone away
from me
but if that is all you are
if that is all you can be
then a thousand tears
i'll gladly cry
to feel you
close to me


--Angie Blackschleger

2-23-09

alone

these days i feel
i'm so alone
there's no one to call
there's nowhere to go
wish i could call you
wish you could know
wish i could go home
to you.

it seems these days
everyone is gone
all of my friends
all have their own
maybe its okay
they aren't you anyway
it seems the only one who cared
was you.

these days i feel
i'm all alone
nowhere to call home
in this world i roam
wish i could call you
i know you would know
but i'm so far away
from you -
so alone.

--Angie Blackschleger

2-22-09

and yet....

i love you,
i dont know why
you make me sad
you're so unkind
i don't understand you
no matter how we try
i don't know you
not how i used to.

i love you,
i don't know why
there is no reason
you and i don't rhyme
i cannot reach you
yet still i try
so many times
i've said goodbye.

i love you,
i don't know why
i think you're ugly
we're so unalike
i cannot relate to your dreams
or your mind -
and you to mine.

i love you,
i don't know why
you are the thorn
in my side
it hurts all the time
even though i lie
you have been so strong
why can't i?

i love you,
i don't know why
you take and take
til i'm empty inside
and yet you do nothing -
you are a stone
so cold and hard
we are alone

i love you,
i don't know why
you break my heart
you shatter my life
for all that i am
for all that i will try
i love you so completely
and i don't know why.

--Angie Blackschleger

2-21-09

how do i....

how do i live
without my best friend
who was my beginning
who is my end
how do i stand
this broken heart
that only she could mend?

how do i survive
a day without my sun
a full life -
she gave me one
how do i get by
without the star in my night
how do i?

how do i live
without a part
i the body -
she my heart
how do i live
please tell me again,
without a heart?

how do i plan
another day
without the light
to guide my way
how do i walk
without her hand in mine
how do i?

how do i live
now she is gone
my life
my angel
my sweetest song
how do i go on
(without her)
she one half
i the other -
my mother...

how do i live
without her?

--Angie Blackschleger

2-19-09

i want to tell you
that i love you
and then i have to go
please don't be sad or feel lonely
you know i'll still be close

i want to tell you
that i'll miss you
i'm sorry i must go
but i have to go my own way
i have to walk alone

i want to ask you
if you'll pray for me
like you did when i was
a little girl
i still get scared and worried
when the nights they get too dark

i want to tell you
that i'll miss you
and even though i go
you'll always be my savior
my knight in shining armour
(and i love you
more than you know)


--Angie Blackschleger

2-19-09

the day i said
goodbye
how bitterly
i cried
how hard i had
to try
to think
what i did
was right.

the day i left
your side
i wondered how
i might
get through
the darkest nights
you always
helped me
fight.

the day i did
decide
to go my own way
i felt my heart
would break
empty
lonely
did i make
a big mistake?

the day i said
goodbye
i realized that i
could never have made it
without you
by my side...
but who would wipe
the tears
i now cry
for you.

the day i said
goodbye
please know my love
never died
you were always
on my mind
but how i wish
i never left
your side...
for i never
wanted
to say goodbye
to you.

--Angie Blackschleger

2-17-09

mama

did you guess my heart
would shatter
did you think
that it would break
did you know my world
would crumble
if you told me
face to face

were you trying
to protect me
were you trying
to save me the pain
of having to remember
how you suffered
those last days

(it hurts anyway)

i wish i had an answer
i wish that i
knew why
you didnt bid me near you
so we could say
goodbye

--Angie Blackschleger

2-16-09

I wanted to, I did

i wanted to
sit by you a while
i wanted to
hold your hand
one day
i wanted to
talk to you a while
and ask
if you're okay.

i wanted to
tell you that i'm sorry
for times i was
unkind
i wanted to
ask you all the questions
that have been
on my mind.

i wanted to
see your pretty smile
i wanted to
hold you close
once more
i wanted to
tell you that
i'll love you -
now,
and all my life.

i wanted to
talk once more
with you,
mother
i wanted to
share eachothers lives
i wanted to
be able to look
into your eyes
when i said
goodbye.

--Angie Blackschleger

2-14-09